!!!!!RICHARD SANDWICH SPECIAL REPORT!!!!!

Sadly, this evening, at approximately 9:30 EST, Senator John McCain of Arizona's face was found in his Phoenix home, slumped over it's favorite neck. The senator was found wearing only an American flag lapel pin and was later declared to be just absolutely hideous and terrifying by medical examiners as well as an overwhelming majority of the people of these United States of America. Although, you may not have agreed with his ideals or his political policies, we can be certain that the hearts and minds of the American people, as well as people all across the globe, are with him this evening. His looks are survived by his markedly less than ugly, but seemingly soulless wife Cindy and his seven children: Douglas, Andrew, Sidney, Meghan, John, James, and Bridget . The country bids a fond farewell to the long forgotten good looks of an allegedly great man this evening. They will be sorely missed.


Senator John McCain's Good Looks (1936 - 1980)

Once Upon A Sandwich

Ahoy,

We now find ourselves on day two of my illustrious blog and I'll be perfectly honest...I'm not an honest person, but what I am, is a genius. So, I don't really have anything else to say really but I will tell you that all that glitters is not mold...mold doesn't glitter, that's ridiculous...if mold glittered we, being the greedy bastards that we are, would be up to our necks in beautiful and shiny mold. You know what I mean?

Anyway, without further Apu, I give you my ratings of the day...



Today's person that is most likely to be called "naughty" by Mary Tyler Moore after giving her a penis shaped cake for her birthday of the day is:
















The construction worker from 1970's gay ass pop group and inspiration for M. Night Shyamalan's 2004 film The Village, The Village People



Today's person that is most likely to accidentally purchase an Emeril Lagasse autographed apron off of eBay for $17,000 while experimenting with psychedelic drugs of the day is:























TV's Brad Garrett



Today's person that is most likely to masturbate while reading T.H. White's The Once and Future King of the day is:























Congresswoman Madeleine Bordallo of Guam



Today's person that is most likely to redo all twelve years of public school in an effort to impress his upscale hotel chain owning father, thus winning the right to run the company in his stead of the day is:






































A tie between 15th Century Portuguese Explorer Vasco Da Gama and Billy Madison



And finally...

Today's person that is most likely to stand alone before a vast army of nature's most terrible beasts wielding not but an out of date map of New Jersey water park Break Water Beach and a Nerf Ballzooka of the day is:























Reality television failure and American Idol runner up Elliott Yamin






That's it. Thank you for your time. That's all yokes!




Richard Sandwich Esquire

An Introduction to a Sandwich

Hello,

My name is Richard "Knuckles" Sandwich and I am hereby creating this blog in an effort to inform the world of my abstract and often bizarre opinions of people of interest such as celebrities, politicians, historical figures, etc.

This is meant to be taken quite seriously and should in fact affect the way you, the readers, live your lives from day to day in a very beautiful and profound way. I don't mean to toot my own corn but I am very influential. For instance, the cliche I just used is in fact my own interpretation of a classic that you may or may not have heard of. Please, feel free to use my greatly superior version whenever you see fit, because I know it will be hard to resist.

Anyway, let us without any further hesitation get down to brass max...



Today's person that is most likely to be given a rather tasteful silk flower arrangement from Kirkland's by Claire Danes of the day is:























Kurt Vonnegut



Today's person that is most likely to be sodomized by Seminole County Tax Collector Ray Valdes of the day is:























Dame Maggie Smith



Today's person that is most likely to become embroiled in a bitter land dispute with hostile militants in rural Venezuela of the day is:























A tie between Mixed Martial Artist and Prominent UFC Fighter Kimbo Slice and Bishop from Aliens



And finally...

Today's person that is most likely to touch poison oak while on a three day camping trip in the Ozark Mountains with 1980's British Pop group Dexy's Midnight Runners is:























Inventor of the Cotton Gin, Eli Whitney






Thank you everyone for reading and good night. Don't let the bed bugs fight,



Richard Sandwich